Tuesday, May 27, 2014


I sat down at the kitchen watching the hot water boil but really my eyes weren’t on it. My gaze was focused on the kettle but my thoughts…were complicated. Since Dr. Gerald or Segun as his family knew him, came into this house, I hadn’t had peace. I stopped sleeping well and even started moping around as one who was not willing to live. Deep down I knew I loved Segun but had it not been for his father, I wouldn’t have found myself a roof after Solo kicked me out. I snapped out of my reverie when the gas was turned off instantly and I looked up to see Iya Segun glaring down at me in anger.
“Abi you wan burn house? Dis water don boil teh teh!” She says as she snaps her fingers to show me how long it had boiled.

“Mtcheew….” I hiss and proceed to remove the kettle from the burner.
“So…na my tank you be dat abi?”
“Abeg comot for my front…” I say rudely as I try to reach oga landlord’s water flask which stood on the counter behind Iya Segun.

“Come carry am na…since you nor fit talk ‘tank u’”
“Comot for my front ooo…if I use hand beat you ehn…pesin no go fit hold me ooo.” I warn.

“Ehhh…see dis small gial wey I fit born…I don die ooo.” Screamed Iya Segun as she fell to the ground screaming hysterically.
The house woke up to her screams and immediately, I realized what she was doing. She was trying to rouse her son Segun. I knew I was in a fix, if I had threatened her when Segun was not in the house, it would have been a different ball game, but now that Segun was around…
Segun burst into the kitchen in confusion,. He had heard his mother’s screams and wanted to know what was wrong. I stood at the kitchen innocently staring at Iya Segun, she was rolling on the ground and moaning.

“Mum is everything alright?” Segun asked his mother.

“Na dis gial ooo…Senorita!” Iya Segun exclaimed as she pointed at me.

Segun turned to me questioningly and I shrugged.

“What happened here? Senorita!” Segun demanded.

“I nor do am anything.” I reply.

“She push me for ground ooo.” Iya Segun screamed.

“I can’t take this nonsense anymore…I am fully aware that I’m from a polygamous home but I wouldn’t tolerate a mad house. I have to speak to my dad about this.” Segun said exasperated and walked out of the kitchen.

As soon as he walked out, Iya Segun gets up from the ground, wipes away the crocodile tears from her eyes with the edge of her wrapper and laughs hysterically.

“Ya own don finish …my son go carry you comot from dis house today.” Iya Segun laughed.

I hurriedly brush past her and stormed out of the kitchen as I headed to my future husband’s room. From the door I could hear the rapid exchange of words between oga landlord and Segun. Segun kept saying repeatedly;

“Senorita has to leave! You could pick any other woman but not that girl… I’m not supposed to say this but… I was her doctor and I'm privy to her medical record and she’s a home wrecker! Do you know how many homes she’s been to apart from this house?”

Oga landlord mumbled some incorrigible words that I couldn’t hear. I tried opening the door to the room but it was locked.

“Oga landlord…sugar…” I call out.

“Stay out of this Senorita!” Segun shouted.

I sniff back the tears that had begun falling from my eyes and wait paitently at the door. After a while, the two men emerge. Segun had a smug look of satisfaction on his face while oga landlord looked like he had just been dealt a heavy blow.

“Senorita…you have to go!” Oga landlord said without emotion.

I opened my mouth in shock.

“Yes…you have to go but we won’t be sending you into the streets, I would get you an accommodation somewhere far from here and you’ll also be given some money to start up a business for yourself.”

“Noooo…oga landlord…you talk say you go marry me…” I cry.

“Senorita…abeg comot for my house. Go pack ya load…” Oga landlord said, unsure of himself.

Iya Segun and Mama Jibunoh came to the scene and stood behind me, smirking all the way. I turned back and looked at them, they hiss and chuckle.

“Abeg…no send me comot… I nor get family, I nor get anybody.” I cry louder.

“Senorita please go and pack your stuff.” Segun ordered.

“Okay…if you nor want make I marry ya papa, I fit marry you abi?” I ask Segun in tears.

I feel a heavy slap at my back and cringe as Iya Segun heaps a heavy curse on me.

“Oloshi…oloriburuku ni…Aje…you wan marry my Segun. Which qualification you get? You go school? Who you be? Abeg make you know am say, dis Segun no go marry you lai lai... infact e nor fit marry any gial wey nor get qualification.” Iya Segun says.

I look at the hostile eyes which bear down on me and shake my head in self pity, looking each of them in the eye I say tearfully;

“Today na de first and last wey pesin go thruway Senorita comot for house again. I go get qualification, I must to go school and when una see me again, una nor go believe say na dat girl wey una pursue comot from house. I be Senorita the Lagos chick, and I nor leave village come Lagos for nothing.” I say silently as I walk away from them and enter my room.

There I packed up my meagre belongings and not waiting for anyone’s to show me out, I walk out through the door. I stopped when I heard my name.

It was Segun, he walked up to me and handed me a bundle of naira notes.

“I am really sorry that this had to happen but I want you to know that I’m not a terrible person. Please have this for yourself, at least it would help you out till you find something meaningful to do.”

I eye him from head to toe, hiss and walk out of the house.

“If you wan do something for Senorita…you for propose marriage!” I mutter under my breath.


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Return!

The days passed in a blink of an eye and while Oga Landlord did my every whim, his wives made my life difficult. We lived in peace however and while I waited for my wedding date to be set, I was busily taking my wifely roles seriously. I had just turned on the television in the sitting room when I heard a knock at the door, I shrugged my shoulders and ignored the knock. I heard the knock a second time then a third but still ignored it. Suddenly, Iya Segun bursts out of the kitchen soaked in sweat and raining insults at me, she heads to the door and opens it.
“Omo mi….Segun!” She exclaims in delight as she hugs the young man who had just stepped into the house.
I turn to look at the young man and freeze in recognition. The world indeed is a small place. Lo and behold, Iya Segun was hugging my doctor. I stand up on wobbly feet and walk towards the young man who stares at me in shock.
“Senorita?” Segun says.
“Doctor Gerald.” I whisper silently. I couldn’t believe I was staring at the doctor from the mental institution.
“Senorita? Is this really you? I looked everywhere for you…” He started.
“Doki…na waka ooo…na booth I enter come find myself for far place.” I sob.
“What is the meaning of this? Wetin be dis one na? Abeg no near my son abegi.”Iya Segun screamed.
“Calm down mom…” Doctor Gerald said as he turned to face me. In a quiet voice, he said to me. “I have been so worried about you. And do pardon my mom's manners, I'm her favourite son and here at home, I'm popularly known as Segun. But is this really you?”
“Yes Docki…na me be dis ooo.”
At this point Mama Jibunoh had walked in on us. The way she clapped her hands signaled that she was in shock over fact that I and Segun were friends.
“Wetin dem dey talk? How dis one come know Segun?” Mama Jibunoh asked with anger in her voice.
“Hmmmm…dis one pass me ooo.” Shouted Iya Segun as she walked over to the sofa and sat down, with her chin in her hands.

Segun, fully aware of the confusion our discussion has made on his mother and step-mom, turned to them and said.
“Sorry Mummys, Senorita used to be my patient at the facility where I work.”
His mother stood up and holding her head, she screamed.
“Yekpa! Dis gial? Segun, nor be for mental hospital you dey work?”
“Yes ma…that’s where I work.” Segun answered innocently.
Iya Segun slowly broke into a dance and Mama Jibunoh joined her, not really knowing why they were dancing. Segun was confused and I decided to bite my nails in confusion.
“This gial…na your papa ‘new wife’ ooo... God don answer all my prayers, ya papa nor go marry mad woman, nor be for dis house ooo.” Iya Segun proclaimed with loud shouts of joy.
“What? My father’s wife? Senorita?” Segun asked in confusion.
“Yes ooo…but there’s good news!” Shouted Iya Segun.
At that moment, oga landlord steps into the sitting room. His face glows as soon as he sees his son Segun.
“Segun! Ahhh Welcome home my son!” Oga landlord booms.
Segun’s face couldn’t unregister the shock he felt moments ago but he walked over to his father and bent in greeting.
After long pleasantries have been exchanged, Iya Segun began to speak.
“My husband…Segun carry news come!”
“What kind of news?” Oga landlord asked.
“Heheheheeee...” Iya Segun laughed heartily.
At that point I had started scratching my hair, I turned to stare at everyone and they all seemed to stare at Iya Segun.
“I think I need to rest a bit…it’s been a long day.” Segun said.
“Nooo…please ooo, we must to expose this girl. She nor fit come here dey form madam wey she nor be.” Iya Segun said.
“Wait…I hope say nor be my new wife you dey run mouth for like tap.” Oga landlord warned.
“Hahahahaha… darling…” Iya Segun mocked. “Na kolo you keep for house ooo. Na mental case you wan marry so…”
Oga landlord stared at Iya Segun as he tried to comprehend her words.
“Wetin you dey talk?” Oga landlord demanded from his wife.
“Your son Segun talk say, he don treat Senorita for his mental clinic before.” Iya Segun said excitedly.
“Wetin dat one come mean?” Oga landlord asked.
“Hehehe….so you never understand the tori wey I dey yarn so…” Iya Segun mocked.
“Abegi…if you nor wan finish ya gist, carry yaself comot for my front.” Oga landlord said and turned to his son. “Segun…welcome, shebi you go stay reach two weeks.”
“I’ll be here for just one week or less…” Segun said quietly still unnerved by his discovery.
“Oya go cook food for ya pikin kia kia…carry Senorita join body…she need pesin wey go teach am to cook sef.” Oga Landlord said.
“Ahhhh… my food nor dey sweet you?” I asked quietly.
“My sweetie…your food dey sweet me well well…” Oga landlord said to me.
“What’s the meaning of this? Daddy…what are you doing with Senorita?” Segun asked, then turning to me, he asked. “Senorita! What are you doing in my house?”
“Truth to God…I nor know say na ya house be dis and na you I dey find when I commot for hospital sef…na even dat time I comot from Lagos!” I stammer. “I nor even know say Dr. Gerald be de same pesin as Segun.”
“Daddy…this girl is my patient and her life is too complicated and…” Segun started.
“Which gial? My wife? You nor know wetin you dey talk…abeg comot for my front jare. Senorita sweetie…make we enter room.” Oga landlord beckoned to me.

I hurry over to his side not really knowing whether to stay or leave. Dr. Gerald had been my crush while at the institution and now, I was about to get married to his father. How did my life get this complicated?

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Oga Landlord's House Part 1

As soon as I stepped into oga landlord’s house, some unfamiliar sensation nagged at the back of my mind but I ignored it completely. Even if oga landlord’s wives would not be in the greatest of moods when they see me, I was ready to take my chance. 
While I was in Solo’s house, I had observed the landlord and his family. He lived with his two wives and about three children or grandchildren who were really so young. I used to wonder then if he didn’t have any older children but my doubt were assuaged minutes ago as I had seen some pictures of young ladies and men on the walls of the house which suggested that he had grown children.
Minutes after I entered Oga Landlord’s palace as he addressed it I was shown to a very spacious and unkempt room. It was littered with strewn clothes and old newspapers. As soon as Oga landlord showed me in, he gestured to the bed where I readily sat on. It didn’t take time before action begun and as we sweated under the dusty covers of the bed, I couldn’t help but admire the strength of Oga Landlord despite his age.
Exactly two hours after I had entered my new home, the two wives came home from the market bickering and gossiping. I was at the kitchen carrying out my new duties as the newest wife in the house and thinking to myself ‘Chai! Na so Senorita turn landlord for Lagos ooo’. 
I knew Iya Segun and Mama Jibunoh very well besides who wouldn’t? They were the women who made life difficult for most of the tenants in the house through their useless landlady schemes . Oga landlord had turned on the television in the sitting room with the volume so high and loud that it could deafen the deaf. I swayed to the heavy beat of the MTN advert on the television and hummed under my breath as I burned the eggs over the stove. I didn’t stop dancing when the two wives of the landlord walked into the kitchen with heavy market bags.
“Shio! Who be this?” Iya Segun asked aloud.
“Ahhh…Senorita! Who hire you come?” Asked Mama Jibunoh.
“Hire wetin? We talk say we want housegial?” Iya Segun boomed in her overly loud and manly voice.
I ignored the two women and continued frying the eggs and swaying to the loud sound coming from the television.
“Come ooo…Senorita! Oga Landlord hire you come?” Asked Mama Jibunoh.
I turned, stared at her and at Iya Segun and laughing softly, I continued turning the already blacked eggs in  the pot.
“Ehhhnnn…you dey see this small gial? No be question wey Mama Jibunoh dey ask you so?” Iya Segun queried.
“Abegi hol am for dia? Shio…which kain question una dey ask?” I snap.
Mama Jibunoh and Iya Segun clean their eyes with the back of their palms and stare at me in shock.
“Wetin she dey yarn?” Iya Segun asked, shocked at my outburst.
“Wait ooo…Senorita…or wetin be ya name sef. Who give you de authority to run ya mouth for we front like tap?” Mama Jibunoh asked outraged.
“Mtcheewwww…” I hissed and proceeded to turn off the heat from the stove.
Iya Segun could not take it anymore, she stormed off, screaming her husband’s name at the top of her lungs.
“Baba Ayomide! Baba Ayo!” Iya Segun screamed.
Mama Jibunoh stood and looked at me pitifully.
“Na wetin Oga Landlord tell you? My dear…dis house no be place for young gial like you. Shebi you know say oga landlord get pikin wey big pass you, dis no be ya place at all.” She advised.
“If dis place nor be my place, na how it take consign you? Abi you never marry? Gials wey dey marry for dis Lagos boku…why my own go different?” I say.
Mama Jibunoh shook her head and stared at me till Iya Segun returned to the kitchen looking exasperated.
“Your husband nor go kill me. E talk say im wan marry dis ashewo!” Iya Segun says in anger.
“Marry? For which house? Dat man nor dey pity imself. Me I nor fit fight for man with this small pikin lai lai.” Said Mama Jibunoh as she walked away from the kitchen.
“You! You! Shebi you wan live for inside this house? Na for here you go know say, rat nor get place for inside house. I go do you sortee you go fly leave dis house.”
“Hehehe…see pesin wey wan drive me commot…abegi commot from my front.” I said rudely as I carried the frying pan and black burnt eggs out of the kitchen and headed towards my future-husband’s room.
As soon as I reached oga landlord’s room door, I mutter under my breath.

“Una wan chase Senorita commot…who sigh? My leg don waka enter dis house, e nor go ever comot again lai .lai.”

It was a Saturday evening and I had stayed in Oga landlord's house for two full weeks. It was the steady banters between myself and his wives that got me upset. Iya Segun and Mama Jibunoh refused to let me enjoy my marriage to oga landlord and I was already getting fed up. Oga landlord and I hadn't solemnized our togetherness but I wasn't bothered. He was my husband all the same.
I was downstairs washing my clothes when one of the occupants of the compound walked up to me and said;
"Oga Solo dey pack commot for this compound. You don see wetin you cause? You dis gial sef, e be like say u get badluck nor be small." The girl said and proceeded to walk away.
"Auntie abeg come." I beckon to her.
The girl comes back and I quickly give her a slap. The shocked girl's hands fly to her cheeks and she stares at me in shock.
"Why you slap me?" She asked in anger.
"You wan slap me back? Try am na...make my husband finish you and ya yeye family for this compound. Abeg waka comot for my front jare...yeye dey smell." I warned.
The girl walked away still nursing her cheeks but my mind couldn't stray from the words she uttered. What does she mean that Oga Solo was moving out of the house. I knew I had to find out for myself so I hastily left my clothes and went to Solo's apartment. 
His bags were outside and he was in the house conversing with some tenants. I heard their voices very clearly as though they were talking to me.
"Solo...you too dey cool ooo. All these while, I believe say dat gial Senorita be ya side chick. I nor know say una nor dey do at all." Said one of the neighbours who was known for beating his wife every other night.
"Chei...you disappoint me ooo. Solo, so you mean say that gial use you do wayo. You sure say she nor dey target landlord since? Some gials dey use pesin to get to pesin. Gials of nowadays dey evil ooo...my guy, look yaself well. Look ya house sef. Na so you pack enter dis house? Dis gial chop you big time." Said another neighbour whose drunken antics woke up the compound every night.
"Hmmm...I guess I over worked the good Samaritan in me this time. But all the same, I need to move on with my life and make sure that I'm never taken for a ride again." Solo said.
"Abeg I fit take dis ya iron? My own don spoil and I nor get money to repair am." Said the first neighbour.
"You can have it...it's not as good as it used to be. Thank you guys for your help, I'll be leaving now." Solo said.

At that moment, I knew I had to either go inside the house and bid him a proper goodbye or turn and leave as I came. I quickly rushed into his house and the astonishment of the other men couldn't have deterred me more.
"Solo." I whispered.
"What are you doing here?" Solo asked in a pained voice.
The two men hurriedly left even though they were itching to listen to our conversation.
"I nor know say you dey pack commot...you for tell me."
"Tell you what? So that you can run me dry as you did before. Sorry, but I was fooled once and I wouldn't make that mistake again."
"I just wan say thank you for everything you do for me. I know say you nor go believe me but if not for you ehn, I nor go know wia I for be. Even my sister from village, Janet, nor helep me like you."
"This is medicine after death. You should have thanked me better by being smart and not allowing that useless swindler use you again the second time. But, why am I saying all this? I wonder why I'm crying over spilt milk. It's all over."
"I just wan tell you say, anything wey you wan make I do for you, I fit do am."
Solo threw his head back and gave a loud shout of laughter.
"Please leave my house, I need to leave now and you're in my way."
"Abeg nor throway my thank you..." I continued but was interrupted my the loud shout of my name. It was the landlord.
"Senorita Baby!" Oga landlord screamed.
I could hear his wives laughter and insults as they heaped curses on him for procuring a woman much younger that they. They too mimicked my name as they added words like 'oloriburuku' to it.
"Abeg Solo...nor ever forget me ooo." I said while trying to ignore the commotion going on upstairs.
Solo forced out a chuckle. "You ruined my life. How would I ever forget you?'
I took that as a positive response and turned to go but Solo's words stopped me.
"Are you really going to live like this? As the bed mate of an old man who has lived his prime? My advice to you is, go out, work hard, make money and get an education, you need that." 
'You dey insult me?" I ask.
"No...I'm telling you the truth. In a world like this, you can continue with your level of IQ. You need to be sharp, articulate and sensible. I'm sorry to say this but you are a very foolish girl Senorita. After all I did to make you an better person..." He trailed off.
"Solo... I come thank you ooo. I nor come to hear ya insults." I finish off.
My name resounds again and this time I respond.
"I dey come ooo...my sugarcane."
Oga Landlord had instructed me to give him a pet name and I had chosen 'sugar cane' since it's one of the sweetest crop I've ever eaten.
Solo shook his head while I hurried upstairs to face the newest phase of my life. As I climbed up the stairs I said aloud.
"Senorita don give thanks, if e nor wan hear, na him palava...as for me, na to dey climb to d top be my own."

Thursday, May 8, 2014