Tuesday, February 18, 2014


As I sprinted the long distance home, my mind was full. I had thought of how to raise the money within the very short period of time given to me by my boss’s friend and I was scared that I was about to lose the millions of naira I could make instantly. I reached the gate to Solo’s compound and sigh in relief, Solo was at home, I knew this because of his car parked outside the compound.
As soon as I barged into the house, the steamy scenario in the sitting room dissipated, Solo and his girlfriend Jenny had been locked up in a steamy love session and were obviously annoyed at the way I stormed in on them.
“Senorita!!!” Solo demanded, his eyes were flared and his lips were parted. I could see the slight lipstick stain on his lips. His shirt was unbuttoned and his belt was unfastened.
Jenny on the other hand, was the more immodest of the two, her breasts spilled halfway over the top of her blouse and her skirt had ridden up to her thighs.
“Chai!” Was all I could mutter.
“Next time, knock because this is not your house.” Spat Jenny.
I don’t reply her but hastily walk into the house and close the door behind me.
“My friend, can’t you see we’re busy? Wait outside for a while.” Solo said.
I nod in understanding and open the door and leave. I didn't blame them and neither was I angry with them, it was their house and I was simply the intruder. I had been given till seven pm to raise the money and there was little or no time left for me as it was almost five pm. Suddenly a thought formed in my head and I took a bold step towards Solo’s landlord’s rooms which was towards the far side of the compound. First of all I checked the windows to see if there was anyone around as I didn’t want to face his wife who always gave me the bad eye whenever she saw me. I prayed silently that I would meet the landlord alone and perhaps ask him to loan me some money for the business but to my dismay the rooms were locked from the outside showing that he wasn’t at home and neither were his family members. I walked back to the door leading to Solo’s room and pressed my head to the door in a bid to know if the love birds were through with their romance. As soon as my ears touched the door, I heard the conversation between Solo and Jenny.
“No! You know I can’t take this money from you. This could put you in serious trouble. Did your father give this to you?” Solo asked.
“No he didn’t… I took it from his room when he was having his bath this morning and…I’m not returning it.” Jenny sulked.
“You have to take it back…I won’t be a party to theft.” Solo said.
“Do you love me?” Jenny asked.
“You know I do.”
“Then take the money.” Jenny said.
There was a long pause and Jenny continued speaking.
“My love…please take it, I want to start a life with you and I need to commit to our relationship. The money is not too much… it’s two hundred and fifty thousand naira. Please start a business with it, I really want you to grow so that when I take you home to my parents, they wouldn’t see you as the driver who worked for them but as a young man with a prospective future.” Jenny cooed.
“If you insist but please know that I don’t really need this money… I’d rather you keep it but since you’ve decided to give it to me, I’ll hold on to it. I’ll keep it in my clothes box and pay it into my account tomorrow, thanks love, you’re a real gem.” Solo said.

I heard them kiss and I silently look upwards in thanks to God. I couldn't believe what was happening. The money I needed was suddenly getting into my palms, sooner than I expected.
After a while, I heard their footsteps as they approached the door and I quickly edged away, darting to a corner and sitting on the floor. The door open and they emerge.
“Senorita… I bought fish and tomatoes, please make some stew, I’m off to Festac to drop my baby.” Solo said.
“Huh huh…why didn’t you tell me you bought fish so that I could make the stew for you.” Jenny said.
“We were occupied, so I forgot…” Solo replied in smiles.
Jenny smiled back and they kissed again. I was so bitter, thoughts raced through my mind; ‘Hian! Dis Solo blind so? See de kain package wey dey im front so. E no see am, na de ozuo gial wey be like pesin wey don fry, na im e see so.’
They both disentangled from their kiss and jenny gave me that smile she usually dishes my way whenever she had to pass a message. The lovebirds left and headed outside to the car, I didn't even wait for the car to start, I was already headed to Solo’s bag of clothes. I found what I was looking for immediately I opened the bag, my eyes widened in surprise as the money was in a bundle of one thousand naira notes. I quickly glanced at the time and was alarmed to see that the time was already past six pm. I quickly grabbed the bundle of notes and not bothering to even latch the door of the house or wrapping the bundle of notes carefully before shoving them down my bra, I sprinted off.

I reached my work place in due time and Johnny and Benson were both there waiting for me.
“Quick girl, I knew you were too smart to let this opportunity slip by.” Benson hailed me.
There were no customers around and the office was almost dark as the lights weren't turned on.
I smile as I removed the bundle of notes from my bra and handed them over to him, Johnny smiled happily and drew me close for a hug.
“Senorita! You are greats!” Johnny bellowed.
“Tainks sir…” I replied still breathless from my long run.
“How much is here?” Johnny asked, his eyes twinkling in delight.
“Na two fiphty...thausandt…” I reply, still breathing heavily.
“My dear, na you biko…” Johnny said as he gave me a quick high-five and slapped my buttocks.
I smile and shyly look away, flattered that I have gotten the attention of my boss.
“Senorita! Sweet girl…this deserves a celebration.” Benson said as he too walked up to hold me affectionately.
 I was all smiles as I let them touch me and stroke my face and hair while whispering how beautiful I am. Sometime later, a bottle of wine appeared and I took a sip then another till my eyes were woozy and almost shut. All I could remember was Johnny and Benson all over me as they quietly peeled my clothes apart and carried me to the back of the building where we moved in rhythm till my bones were limp.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Business Proposal

"What was you doing there? How come you left the office unattending?" Asked Johnny silently.
'Oga, na wetin I wan yarn u be dat! Na so de gial run comot afta I be don write receipt, me sef I come follow am oo... I no fit shout." I reply breathlessly.
"Do you knew how much customers I lose now? I came into the office and what did I saw? A bunch of people! How dared you left dem unattended? Do you want a dose of my resignation letter?"He shouted.
 I fell on my knees before him and pleaded.
"Ahh...Oga no resignation me ooo...I take God beg you. Na ya hand I dey abeg."
"Look at the times, it's already knocking at three pm. Because of this, you'll work weekends whether you like it or never!"
"Yes sir! Sure sir!" I nod as I hurry back to my seat.
I had just returned from my wild-goose chase. I was lucky to have found a good samaritan who showed me the way back to my office after I had spent over three hours in the kiosk shade.
I looked at the clock and sighed, it was some minutes past three already and my stomach growled with hunger. Johnny had walked out on me and I didn’t want to annoy him again.
 Some minutes later, a young man walked into the office, he addressed me;
"Young lady, I have come to see Johnny, is he on seat?"
"Seat? You see am for on top seat?" I ask perplexed.
"Is he in the office?"
"You blind so? Shio...u see am for hia?" I reply rudely.
"Well I am here to deliever a package for him. My name is Benson and I borrowed some money from him some months ago and now, I have made millions from his money. I want to return the amount he gave me with interest. Here is the envelope containing the money, I hope it reaches its destination." The man said.
My eyes widened as I stretch out my hands to retrieve the heavy package from him but he made no move to give it to me.
"You sure say na money dey for inside dis big envelope?" I ask in eager excitement.
"Yes it is... I can't believe it myself, I am now a millionaire."
"Ehenn...dis one na miracle ooo...Oga, if dem don pay me ehn... I for borrow you money, make you helep me bring enof come ooo..."
"You don't even need 2 lend me money, just join in the business and you can make millions of money."
"You no mean am!"
"I'm not kidding...I have made millions with just five thousand naira."

Image source: borderlessnewsandviews.com 

"Chei...Five thousand?" I ask wide-eyed
"Yes...if I knew earlier, I would have invested more..."
I was still baffled at the revelation that I didn't know when Johnny came in.
"Benson and Hedges!" Johnny hailed his friend.
"Johnny is a man!" Benson shouted in greeting.
"Omo you get levels ooo...see as you fine!" Shouted my boss Johnny, in pidgin English.
I didn't notice, I was too engrossed in the tale I had just heard.
"Men...I'm on another level. You should see my apartment now...I have made it big. Do you know what your money did for me?”
“What did it does?” Johnny asked, switching back to his weird form of English.
“My friend, I borrowed just five thousand naira from you but I have returned one hundred thousand naira!” Shouted Benson.
 I fell on the floor in shock and struggled to my feet again, Johnny and Benson rushed to help me up.
“Are you fine?” Johnny asked.
“Hope you didn’t hurt yourself dear?” Benson asked.
“No I dey okay…na just…me I no know say Lagos get dis kain money ooo…Oga Benson, I for borrow you money but I no get. If Oga Johnny fit give me my salary I for carry am give you. Chei! One hundred thousand wetin?” I ask wiping the sweat from my brows with my palms.
“You don’t need to give me money for the business. You could invest in the business yourself and make millions like I have made.” Benson said.
“Na how I go take do am na?” I asked.
“It’s not difficult, just make sure you are able to round up atleast one hundred thousand naira or more and pronto! You could be a winner in the quick cash business. I invested only fifty thousand naira and I am five million naira richer.”
His words blew me away.
“Hei…heiii…na so I go get money be dis ooo…but Oga Benson, I no get dat kain money oo…how I go manage am now?”
“Benson my friends, just hold on to my one hundred thousand nairas, please invests it in the businesses.” Johnny said.
“Abeg make I go find money…but wia I go find am? I no fit find am for house ooo… Solo na taxi driver, e no fit get one hundred thousand naira.”
“But you can borrow from your friends and comb his house through. Just search for any amount of money that you can get.”
“I no get anybody for Lagos ooo...”
“Solo has friends or hasn’t he?”
“Yes him get girlfriend…her papa na millionaire.”
“Now you’re talking…just go to Solo’s girlfriends house and get some money from there.”
“Ahh…dat girl wey no like me so. I no even know her house…na one day we go dia ooo. Me sef no even know Lagos wella.”
“Just rush home and hustle for the money before six pm this evening, by tomorrow, I will bring you five million naira cash.” Said Benson.
I jumped up, slapped my hands in the air and hit it on the ground. I quickly licked the dust off my palms. My eyes were charged up like those of the mad bull.

“I swear for my mama head say, I no go carry last for this waka…lai lai”

Monday, February 3, 2014

The new job!

There were muffled sounds coming from Solo’s room, he was talking to his girlfriend over the phone, they had spoken all night and I wondered if they ever had time to catch some sleep.
“Love you too honey bunny…” I heard Solo say as he hung up.
I was lying in the next room, listening as his footsteps sauntered about his room, then I heard his door open and the short slaps of his feet as it neared my door. My breath hung in my throat, ‘I want Solo’ I almost swore under my breath and I couldn’t wait to feel his hands on my skin. He paused at my door for a short while and walked away to the bathroom, I sigh in disappointment.
Solo had been very surprised when I told him of what happened yesterday at the factory and my interview with the executives of the company. He told me that he seriously doubted that I would get the job but I silenced him with the news of my secretary position at the drycleaners.
“Ehhen…so does this mean I would have clean clothes from now on?” He joked.
“Yes ke…na me be de Seke na…if ya cloth no clean I no go fit call myself Seke oooo…” I replied.
“Seke Senorita!” He laughed as he playfully nudged me with his elbow.
I blushed in embarrassment as I shyly stared at him in open admiration.
“Na new name you just give me sooo…I don get new name now oooo…Seke Senorita.”
Solo laughed again.
“De name sweet me well well…Solo…” I say as I bat my eyelashes at him.
Solo stared at me in confusion over my reaction to the new name. Indeed, the name sent shivers up my spine and I was happy that Solo had a special name for me.
“Errr hem….” Solo cleared his throat as he stared around uncomfortably. “So when your salary starts coming in, I would help you save some in a bank.”
“Bank? Which kain bank? I no fit thruway my money for inside dat house lai lai.” I shook my head stubbornly.
“Why don’t you want to save your money in the bank?” Solo asks.
“Na taboo be dat. Even my Chief for village dey bury im money for ground…why I go carry all my money go bank?” I ask puzzled.
“Ah ah…abi you don forget our special name?” I bat my eyelashes again.
“Okay…Seke Senorita…you really need an education. I must say that you are very different and I have never met your kind before but please don’t speak like this outside…banks are very important and if you don’t have a bank account, your money’s security can’t be guaranteed.” He said matter-of-factly.
“Nooo…Solo…you never see wetin dey for inside dat bank oooo….dat place no be am at all…” I continue.
“Have you ever been to a bank before?” He asks.
“Lai lai…”
“Den why speak of it like you know everything about it?” Solo says.
I stare at him for a while and look away, not knowing what to say.
Now as I lie on the hard floor of the sitting room, I sigh again. How can Solo not see the desperation in my eyes? Is he made of wood? Something tells me to get up from my bed and enter his room but experience has taught me hard lessons. After the battle in my former Oga’s house, I cannot risk being thrown out to the streets again. Thoughts spiral through my head till my eyes close in sleep.

I heard my name but I was still swimming in the river in my village so I was in no hurry to wake up.
“Hmmm…” I murmur, wondering where my voice was coming from.
“Aren’t you going to work today?”
I jump up hastily from the bed and stare at Solo whose face was bent close to mine as he spoke to me.
“Today is your seke work or have you changed your mind?” Solo asked.
“Nooo….wetin time talk?” I ask.
“It’s almost eight am.”
“Wetin? My work dey start for eight ooo….chai….Senorita! Na so you wan miss this chance ehhhh….” I wail.
“Stop that noise! Get into the bathroom and have your bath…you can still make it if you hurry…” Solo said in anger at my sudden reaction.
“Yehhhhhh….why I go bafff? Make I run comot like dis na?” I plead.
“Have you seen yourself? You look a mess! You have dried spittle hanging at the corners of your mouth and cheeks… you stink like a dead rat. Don’t get me upset Senorita…act like a grown up and not a stupid child.”
“Me? Ahh…Solo no dey talk like dat ehn…I dey try ooo. Abeg make I just clean face comot, I no fit let dis my Seke work waka…abeg…” I cry.
“Are you stupid? How old are you?” Solo asks.
“Me? Ninnuteen …errr…no….twonmty five….no wait…my brother way senior me don knack 30…so I fit be taty two.” I conclude.
“You’re a nut case…infact just go to work…get out of this house!” Solo said trying to contain himself.
I fall helplessly to the ground and hug his knees close to myself and wail.
“Solo…abeg…abeg…no push me comot…I no fit find wia to go…”
The door to the house opens and a dumbstuck Jenny stares at the two of us in disgust.
“So this is it right?” She barks “Solomon…so this is the work you said you had to get to this morning right? You liar!”
Jenny storms out of the house in anger and Solo sighs in frustration and runs after her. I keep wailing and shouting Solo’s name at the top of my voice.
“Solo….Solo…abeg no leave me! I no get any pesin wey be like you ooo…”

Ten minutes later, I was on my way to the drycleaners place, I had run all the way from Solo’s house to my new office street. When I left the house, I didn’t see Solo in sight or his girlfriend Jenny. The door to the dry cleaning place was open and I struggled to read the inscription at the entrance. It read;
I walk into the reception and see the man that offered me a job yesterday, he was shaking hands with another young man who he handed a receipt.
“I salute sir…” I clear my throat and greet.
“Ohhh hooo….meets my news secretary.” He introduced.
The other man held out his hand to me and after starring at it for a while, I spit on it. The man stare at me baffled and in shock.
“Sorry customer….she is convincingly welcoming you into our dry cleaning services…this is a very talenting girl who has been rejecting by many other companies. It is a delightful to have her working with us.” My soon to be boss said.
The customer looked at both of us as though we were crazy and walked away.
“Welcome secretary…it’s pleasuring to see you again.”
“Tainks sir. Me pleasuring you too.” I said, trying hard to speak good English.
My boss was extremely pleased, he clapped his hands in glee.
“Weldone…weldone…I sees you have been learnt Englishes.”
I nod in delight as I smile at him.
In less than ten minutes, my new boss who introduced himself to me as Johnny B had me placed at the front desk and taught me how to issue receipts. There was a laminated price tag on the wall where prices of all kinds of dry cleaning were written.
One hour later, I was settled in my new job and ready to make a good impression. My first customer of the day was a very young girl, she was barely thirteen.
“Good morning.” She greeted.
This was the first time anyone has ever shown me respect in my entire life, so I puffed my chest and nodded calmly at her greeting.
“Please how much do you wash a pair of jeans trousers?” The girl asked.
I pulled out my receipt booklet and eager to write, I ask;
“Names you want?”
“What?” The girl asked confused.
I sigh in disappointment at myself as I realize that the girl didn’t understand the words I had just spoken.
“Wetin be ya name?” I ask.
“Ohh…my name is Farida but I am not here to drop off any clothes. I would just like to know how much you charge for jeans.”
I quickly scribble down some unintelligible signs that didn’t seem comprehensive to me.
“How much do you charge or aren’t you going to tell me?” The girl sounded irritated.
“Stop that! No dey curse and curse…” I say angrily, telling myself that English was much difficult than I thought.
“What are you saying? I am asking you if …you know what? Never mind….” The girl said and stormed off.
Trust the Senorita instincts in me, I wasn’t ready to be insulted by a small child.  I hastily jumped over the counter and chased the girl, she turned back and when she saw that I was hot on her heels, she ran as fast as her legs could carry her.

 I chased her till my legs were weak but the girl was faster as she suddenly disappeared from sight. I turned back to return to my office but found out that I was in an unknown street. I found myself asking people;
“Abeg una know wia Look Sharp be dey?”
They all shook their heads as they went about their activities. I walked from street to street till I was frustrated. After a long while, I walk to an empty kiosk, seat on the empty bench and say in frustration;

“Na so so devil go dey shook hand for Senorita waka….weldone!”