The new job!

There were muffled sounds coming from Solo’s room, he was talking to his girlfriend over the phone, they had spoken all night and I wondered if they ever had time to catch some sleep.

“Love you too honey bunny…” I heard Solo say as he hung up.

I was lying in the next room, listening as his footsteps sauntered about his room, then I heard his door open and the short slaps of his feet as it neared my door. My breath hung in my throat, ‘I want Solo’ I almost swore under my breath and I couldn’t wait to feel his hands on my skin. He paused at my door for a short while and walked away to the bathroom, I sigh in disappointment.

Solo had been very surprised when I told him of what happened yesterday at the factory and my interview with the executives of the company. He told me that he seriously doubted that I would get the job but I silenced him with the news of my secretary position at the drycleaners.

“Ehhen…so does this mean I would have clean clothes from now on?” He joked.

“Yes ke…na me be de Seke na…if ya cloth no clean I no go fit call myself Seke oooo…” I replied.

“Seke Senorita!” He laughed as he playfully nudged me with his elbow.

I blushed in embarrassment as I shyly stared at him in open admiration.

“Na new name you just give me sooo…I don get new name now oooo…Seke Senorita.”

Solo laughed again.

“De name sweet me well well…Solo…” I say as I bat my eyelashes at him.

Solo stared at me in confusion over my reaction to the new name. Indeed, the name sent shivers up my spine and I was happy that Solo had a special name for me.

“Errr hem….” Solo cleared his throat as he stared around uncomfortably. “So when your salary starts coming in, I would help you save some in a bank.”

“Bank? Which kain bank? I no fit thruway my money for inside dat house lai lai.” I shook my head stubbornly.

“Why don’t you want to save your money in the bank?” Solo asks.

“Na taboo be dat. Even my Chief for village dey bury im money for ground…why I go carry all my money go bank?” I ask puzzled.

“Senorita….”

“Ah ah…abi you don forget our special name?” I bat my eyelashes again.

“Okay…Seke Senorita…you really need an education. I must say that you are very different and I have never met your kind before but please don’t speak like this outside…banks are very important and if you don’t have a bank account, your money’s security can’t be guaranteed.” He said matter-of-factly.

“Nooo…Solo…you never see wetin dey for inside dat bank oooo….dat place no be am at all…” I continue.

“Have you ever been to a bank before?” He asks.

“Lai lai…”

“Den why speak of it like you know everything about it?” Solo says.

I stare at him for a while and look away, not knowing what to say.

Now as I lie on the hard floor of the sitting room, I sigh again. How can Solo not see the desperation in my eyes? Is he made of wood? Something tells me to get up from my bed and enter his room but experience has taught me hard lessons. After the battle in my former Oga’s house, I cannot risk being thrown out to the streets again. Thoughts spiral through my head till my eyes close in sleep.

****

“Senorita!”

I heard my name but I was still swimming in the river in my village so I was in no hurry to wake up.

“Hmmm…” I murmur, wondering where my voice was coming from.

“Aren’t you going to work today?”

I jump up hastily from the bed and stare at Solo whose face was bent close to mine as he spoke to me.

“Today is your seke work or have you changed your mind?” Solo asked.

“Nooo….wetin time talk?” I ask.

“It’s almost eight am.”

“Wetin? My work dey start for eight ooo….chai….Senorita! Na so you wan miss this chance ehhhh….” I wail.

“Stop that noise! Get into the bathroom and have your bath…you can still make it if you hurry…” Solo said in anger at my sudden reaction.

“Yehhhhhh….why I go bafff? Make I run comot like dis na?” I plead.

“Have you seen yourself? You look a mess! You have dried spittle hanging at the corners of your mouth and cheeks… you stink like a dead rat. Don’t get me upset Senorita…act like a grown up and not a stupid child.”

“Me? Ahh…Solo no dey talk like dat ehn…I dey try ooo. Abeg make I just clean face comot, I no fit let dis my Seke work waka…abeg…” I cry.

“Are you stupid? How old are you?” Solo asks.

“Me? Ninnuteen …errr…no….twonmty five….no wait…my brother way senior me don knack 30…so I fit be taty two.” I conclude.

“You’re a nut case…infact just go to work…get out of this house!” Solo said trying to contain himself.

I fall helplessly to the ground and hug his knees close to myself and wail.

“Solo…abeg…abeg…no push me comot…I no fit find wia to go…”

The door to the house opens and a dumbstuck Jenny stares at the two of us in disgust.

“So this is it right?” She barks “Solomon…so this is the work you said you had to get to this morning right? You liar!”

Jenny storms out of the house in anger and Solo sighs in frustration and runs after her. I keep wailing and shouting Solo’s name at the top of my voice.

“Solo….Solo…abeg no leave me! I no get any pesin wey be like you ooo…”

****

Ten minutes later, I was on my way to the drycleaners place, I had run all the way from Solo’s house to my new office street. When I left the house, I didn’t see Solo in sight or his girlfriend Jenny. The door to the dry cleaning place was open and I struggled to read the inscription at the entrance. It read;

“LOOK SHARP DRYCLEANERS! CLEAN WITH NO REGRETS”

I walk into the reception and see the man that offered me a job yesterday, he was shaking hands with another young man who he handed a receipt.

“I salute sir…” I clear my throat and greet.

“Ohhh hooo….meets my news secretary.” He introduced.

The other man held out his hand to me and after starring at it for a while, I spit on it. The man stare at me baffled and in shock.

“Sorry customer….she is convincingly welcoming you into our dry cleaning services…this is a very talenting girl who has been rejecting by many other companies. It is a delightful to have her working with us.” My soon to be boss said.

The customer looked at both of us as though we were crazy and walked away.

“Welcome secretary…it’s pleasuring to see you again.”

“Tainks sir. Me pleasuring you too.” I said, trying hard to speak good English.

My boss was extremely pleased, he clapped his hands in glee.

“Weldone…weldone…I sees you have been learnt Englishes.”

I nod in delight as I smile at him.

In less than ten minutes, my new boss who introduced himself to me as Johnny B had me placed at the front desk and taught me how to issue receipts. There was a laminated price tag on the wall where prices of all kinds of dry cleaning were written.

One hour later, I was settled in my new job and ready to make a good impression. My first customer of the day was a very young girl, she was barely thirteen.

“Good morning.” She greeted.

This was the first time anyone has ever shown me respect in my entire life, so I puffed my chest and nodded calmly at her greeting.

“Please how much do you wash a pair of jeans trousers?” The girl asked.

I pulled out my receipt booklet and eager to write, I ask;

“Names you want?”

“What?” The girl asked confused.

I sigh in disappointment at myself as I realize that the girl didn’t understand the words I had just spoken.

“Wetin be ya name?” I ask.

“Ohh…my name is Farida but I am not here to drop off any clothes. I would just like to know how much you charge for jeans.”

I quickly scribble down some unintelligible signs that didn’t seem comprehensive to me.

“How much do you charge or aren’t you going to tell me?” The girl sounded irritated.

“Stop that! No dey curse and curse…” I say angrily, telling myself that English was much difficult than I thought.

“What are you saying? I am asking you if …you know what? Never mind….” The girl said and stormed off.

Trust the Senorita instincts in me, I wasn’t ready to be insulted by a small child.  I hastily jumped over the counter and chased the girl, she turned back and when she saw that I was hot on her heels, she ran as fast as her legs could carry her.

 I chased her till my legs were weak but the girl was faster as she suddenly disappeared from sight. I turned back to return to my office but found out that I was in an unknown street. I found myself asking people;

“Abeg una know wia Look Sharp be dey?”

They all shook their heads as they went about their activities. I walked from street to street till I was frustrated. After a long while, I walk to an empty kiosk, seat on the empty bench and say in frustration;

“Na so so devil go dey shook hand for Senorita waka….weldone!”

SEKE SENORITA!

 

“Solo… do you love me?” I hear Anna ask.

“My sugar, u know say na you be my everything…I love you pass tomato…” Solo answered.

“I am feeling it…” Whispered the lady.

I was bored, this couple rescued me from the roadside where I was abandoned by the bus driver and passengers. The young man drove taxi for a living, his name is Solomon, fondly called Solo by his girlfriend. I owe them my life. They had picked me up from the side of the road and had transported me to Lagos, the land of my dreams even though I had lost all my enthusiasm. I had told them that I had no place to stay and Solo had made a place for me in his house. His girlfriend had spent the holiday with him at his home town and had stayed an extra two days in his house.

Earlier, her parents had called her and she had lied to them that she was still in school, she said something about being delayed at clearance point and her parents obviously believed her. I didn’t like the girl because she didn’t like me. Presently, we sat in Solo’s taxi car, as he drove to drop her off at home. I had tagged along because Solo had asked me to and I knew she hated the fact that I was with them in the car. Even now, I could feel her eyes piercing mine through the side mirror.

“So what are we going to do about her?” The girl asked, her name is Jenny.

“With who?” Solo asked absent-mindedly.

“The girl we picked at the side of the road.”

“Oh…what are we supposed to do with her?” He asked perplexed.

“I wonder how a she claims she has no home… it’s hard to believe ooo...”

I felt like placing my hand over a hot stove and giving her a hot slap with it.

“Baby…why are you talking like this? She’s no harm…”

“She’s no harm to you ooo but she’s harm to me…I don’t trust you men ooo..”

“What do you mean by that?”

“You men can’t keep those trousers zipped…”

“Are you mad? When did I become like other men?” Solo spoke in anger.

“I am sorry…I really am but I’m scared of losing you. You are the best thing that happened to me and I am so grateful to God for directing your steps to my father’s house. If you never worked as my father’s driver, I could have kissed true love goodbye.” She said.

“Well…” Solo shrugged.

“Even though my parents don’t want us to be together, we can make it work. You and I. As soon as I finish my university education, I’ll start working and make my own decisions without my parents influence.” She continued.

“We will discuss future plans much later…as for now, I want you to face your education. You’re still in your first year.” He stressed.

“I know, but I just love you too much and I can’t let anyone…” She stressed as she turned to me and gave me the bad eye. “Take you away from me…”

“Haha…whoever that girl may-be can’t get so far.” He laughed.

Suddenly Jenny ducked under the dash board in panic.

“What is it?” he asked.

“It’s my father, I think he just saw me…” Jenny said in a shaky voice.

“It’s not a problem if he sees us, he will think you called me to drive you home.” Solo said.

“He sent the car for me but I refused, I told him that I would come home with Winne, my friend at school. Is he gone? Please can I alight now?” Jenny asked.

“Let me park well.” He said.

Solo parked and Jenny stepped out of the car and picked up her bag from the boot, walking over to the car window, she spoke to Solo.

“Remember that I love you and I promise to see you soon. That’s as soon as mommy lets me out of the house. I am really tired of living the life of a prisoner in that house. I really miss you so much, your touches and kisses.”

Solo told her how much he loved her and after a while, we drove off. I still sat at the back of the car staring through the windows. I was mesmerized at this part of Lagos. I have never been in this part before, it was like paradise.

 

“Why are you looking at the houses like that? Haven’t you been in this part of Lagos before?” Solo asked me.

“Nooo…I never come hia at all.” I reply.

“You don’t mean it! I wish I could take you round Lagos but I have a client to pick up at surulere this evening.”

“Na wetin dem dey call dis place?” I ask.

“This is Festac…you haven’t even seen beautiful places yet, there’s Ikoyi, Lekki, Victoria island, Banana Island, Ikeja, VGC and other big places where very wealthy people live.”

“Chei…see plenty money ooo…na wetin Senorita dey do for lagos wey she never sample dis kain waka?” I whisper to myself.

“What did you say?” He asks me.

“Nothing ooo…I no talk anything…”

“So what’s the way forward…err…sorry I’ve forgotten your name…”

“Senorita!” I reply.

“Okay…what’s your plan? I can keep housing you but you need to have something doing. For instance I noticed that you came with no clothes and this is the third time you’re wearing this dress. You have to earn a living. What can you do? Where would you like to work?” He asks.

“I wan work for big company…” I reply.

Solo stares at me incredibly as though I had just uttered rubbish.

“Big company? As what?”

“I fit do president or senator…” I reply

Solo chokes a laugh.

“Those position and not up for grabs in every company, you have to choose a role that you can do properly.”

“Which kain normal role?” I ask.

“You could be a cleaner, messenger…”

“Wetin? I no fit do dat kain thin… for my life lai lai, I never carry broom.” I say arrogantly.

“What can you do?”

“I fit model… I fit even write for company…”

“Can you be a secretary? Though I doubt it because you don’t speak good English.”

“I fit do Seke work na….na dat one I wan do. I dey speak beta English pass plenty people.”

Solo shook his head.

****

Four days later, I was ready for my first interview, the last one I had was at the modelling agency and I was ready to do my best. Solo had given me one thousand naira to shop for clothes. I ignored the fancy new clothes hanging in some small boutiques and headed to the bend-down select market. The clothes were quite expensive as one top cost one hundred and fifty naira, in my village prices ranged from fifty naira to seventy naira. I didn’t finish the money, I still had four hundred and eighty naira left.

This morning, I pulled out one of the clothes from the Poly bag I had bought for ten naira and quickly wore it. Did I mention that I bought a loud pink lipstick? I used this on my lips, cheeks and eye brows and I was satisfied that I looked my best. The company I was going to for the interview was not far from the house. It was headed by a Lebanese man and I made up my mind to take over the presidency of the company from him soon.

I left the house looking like a scare-crow in a floral dress and headed for the door which I locked firmly behind me and kept the key under the floor mat. As soon as I stepped outside, I could feel the stares of people on the street, some laughed while others gawked in shock. I twisted my body to sexy moves and walked the long distance to the company building where Solo had shown me the previous day.

The hall was packed with people all dressed in suits, I didn’t feel ashamed or fidgety, I just sat and ignored their stares.

People were called in one after the other and after a while, it was my turn, I stood up and walked into the office, oblivious that I was the only odd one amongst everyone.

“Come in…” Said the voice behind the door to the office.

I stepped inside and could feel their stares of disbelief. There were three men and one lady seated in the office.

“Who are you?” The lady asked incredulously.

“Senorita…” I reply and take my seat.

“We haven’t told you sit yet, are you here for the interview?” One of the men asked.

“Wetin carry me come before? Na party?” I reply angrily.

“What position did you apply for?”

“You never see question! Una no know again?” I reply baffled that they have quickly forgotten the position I applied for.

“What position did you apply for?” Asked the lady sounding stern.

“Seke ofcourse….” I reply.

“Where is your CV?” One of the men asked.

“My TV?”

“No CV…curriculum vitae…resume.” The lady asked. She sounded like the boss.

“I no get TV for house, na when I get money I go buy TV. Solo TV break for Christmas, him carry am go mechanic.” I replied.

“So how would we know your past experience and your educational experience?” The lady asked.

“I go school for Gede nursery and primary school, I still do secondary school for dia.”

“Can you speak good English please?” A man demanded.

“No be im I dey speak so?” I retorted.

“Your interview is over…who recommended you to us? Please leave…this is no child’s play.” The lady said angrily.

“Ahh….wetin I do una? Why you come dey tell me to go na?” I ask getting angry.

“Leave!” The lady ordered.

“Ashawo….see as you be. You don see say I fine pass you na so you wan spoil paroles for me shebi? Make I warn you, I enter bend-down select sake of dis job ooo. You no fit to tell me to commot like dat.” I reply.

The lady picked up the phone and spoke into the receiver.

“Ese please call security now!”

“Security? You dey craze? I be criminal? Wetin I do you na?” I ask.

“You are not qualified for the job.” She said in finality.

“Na ya papa no dey qualify. You don look me well so? You reach my shit? Ode!” I hurl insults at her.

The door opens and one security guard comes in and drags me out of the office, kicking and screaming.

“Noooo…. Una no fit make me chop money for bend-down select like dat ehn! Give me my money…”

The security takes me out of the building and roughly pushes me out of the gate. I stamp my feet and cry loudly. I feel disappointed and angry, ‘why’s all these happening to me?’ I ask myself. Battered and in tears I leave the gate to the company and walk away. I walk towards the opposite direction of the street, not wanting to go home yet. I had not walked far when I suddenly stamp my feet on the road in anger, I keep stamping my feet and raining insults on the lady and the men that interviewed me.

“Sister….what are the matter?” A man asked me.

“No be de idiot wey full dat company for yonder…dem carry me thruway from their office. Me Senorita!” I say in regret.

“What did you find for deir?” The man asked.

“Na work ooo Oga…I be wan do seke for dem. Chai! Dem don miss ooo…dem don miss world class Seke.” I say.

“Really? Are you finding Secretary work?” The man asked, looking happy.

“Yes ooo…”

“Oh! How good luck is searching your way! I too seek Secretary.” He supplied.

“You mean am?” I ask in glee.

“I real meant it… I runs a dry cleaners. My brother owning it and he brings me to Lagos to manages it because he leaves for America.” The man said.

I give him a very big hug and he hugs me back.

“How much you go pay me?” I ask batting my lashes at him.

“Two thousand naira everys month….buisnessing is not progress…when it progressing I will double it.”

“Thank you sir…God bless you sir. I will start tomorrow.” I say filled with joy.

“Pleased do. But there is somethings I wants to telling you…” he said to me in a matter-of-fact voice.

“Wetin be that?” I ask.

“Your Englishes is bad…” He said.

“What?” I ask.

“I means…you don’t knew how to spoke Englishes but don’t worries, I will teaching you.” He said with a huge smile on his face.

I look heavenward and almost dance in glee, turning back to him, I clasp him in a huge embrace and say;

“Dis na just de beginning…Senorita don land seke work…e no go tey wen she go learn Englises join am!”

 

LAGOS WAKA!

Happy New Year friends! I am so sorry that I didn't stick to posting on the 13th as I promised. Welcome to a new year of opportunities and I hope we'll continue reading and writing this series together. It's a brand new beginning and I hope to keep my posts coming on a weekly basis...hopefully Mondays. Do enjoy the 'Lagos Waka' and tell me what you think. God bless you and do have a splendid new week...xoxo

‘Azonto..azonto…azonto

Watch me do my azonto…’

I kept replaying this song in my head as the bus skidded down the road. ‘Lagos!’ I breathed in relief. Finally, I was enroute to the land of no return and I quickly swore under my breath, ‘Even death no fit carry me comot for my Lagos.’

I had successfully escaped with the money Oga had paid the boys and I didn’t waste much time as I quickly hurried out of the bushes to the major road hoping to see something or someone  who could help me. As luck could have it, the first rickety car I saw stopped for me. I quickly asked the driver if he was on his way to Lagos but he shook his head and offered to take me to the Lagos bus Park.

Now, here I am, seated beside the driver of the fourteen seater bus, humming the ‘Azonto’ song in frenzy. Seated beside me is a man whose face reminds me of my primary school teacher, he was wearing a small shirt and has a neck tie choked up on his throat. I envied the man beside me because he didn’t have to move his legs to and fro whenever the driver had to change gears.

We had driven some miles when my eyes closed in sleep, I dreamt briefly of Lagos. I was chasing a fast moving bus as the conductor kept screaming at the top of his lungs. I woke up shortly in sweat, murmuring the word ‘Lagos’ but stopped when I noticed that the passengers in the bus were screaming at the top of their lungs, the driver quickly tried to maneuver the vehicle. I was alarmed to find out that the driver had lost control of the vehicle. He was driving in a zig-zagged manner while trying hard to control the steering.

“Witch…Mammy water…destroyer….” Where the words of some women at the back of the vehicle.

“God deliver us oooo…” Were other passengers screams.

The driver took control of the vehicle again and the bus steadied.

“Ah! Wetin happen?” I turned to ask the man at my side.

As I turned to him, I noticed that he was frowning at me which made him the carbon copy of my primary school teacher.

“You be fool…idiot!” Spat the man.

“Me? Idiot? Fool? Wetin I do you na?” I asked confused.

“See de ashawo…” Said one of the women at the back of the bus.

“Ehh shh…no call me dat name again…if you try am?” I warn.

“Wetin you go do ehn? Wetin you fit do?” Shouted another of the women.

“I go tear ya cloth oooo…no try me ooo..” I scream in warning.

My primary school teacher’s carbon copy suddenly shouted.

“Driver…stop this bus.”

“For wetin na?” Asked the driver.

“You dey pretend like say you too dey drive ehn? When dis gial dey totori u so…e remain small make you jam tree. See as you almost cause accident for us. Abeg stop, make dis gial move go back.” Shouted my primary school teacher’s carbon copy.

“Wetin you dey talk, na me first everybody for hia enter park, nobody fit push me commot.” Senorita shouted angrily.

“Ehhnnn…if you come enter park before all of us nko?” Shouted another passenger.

“If you say you no be witch wey wan cause accident, why you come choose to siddon for front?” Asked one of the women.

“Why I no go siddon for front, I wan see dey road wey go carry me reach Lagos na. Abi na craze dey worri una?” I challenge.

“Stop dis bus driver…we must to settle dis witch matter before we move. Abi she don use juju touch you? I see as your hand touch her booby…” Said my primary school teacher’s look-alike.

“You blind so? No be gear I dey touch?” The driver spoke up in defensive.

“Shut-up dia…driver, oya park! When she dey sleep for driver body, she no know say na distraction? Witch!” Spat another woman.

I had had enough, I climbed out of my seat and scrambled to the back of the bus, waking up one of the passengers who had been asleep since we left the park. My nails grasped the bus seats as the bus moved wildly down the road.
Everyone shouted, bus was in an uproar. Suddenly the driver stopped the vehicle but I had reached one of the woman with the loud mouth. Not waiting for any excuses, I grabbed the loud mouthed woman by the hair and fought her with all my strength, she was no match for me but the woman beside her was really strong, she pulled me down and dragged me hard. I fell to the ground of the bus and kept fighting, before I knew it, everyone was either slapping or beating me. I heard the passenger who had been sleeping since we left the park ask what my sins were,

“This gial na witch…I don look am for eye before…dis no be her first time. Na so we  dey move gegently for road ooo… this gial come pretend like say she dey sleep ooo, before we say jack, she fall for driver body, driver come dey romance am for bus ooo… dis gial na accident witch…” Shouted my primary school teacher’s carbon copy.

“Throw-way de gial for road abeg…I get husband and pickins for house…I no wan die premature…” Shouted one woman.

The bus door was dragged open and I was pulled out of the vehicle, kicking and screaming..

“Una no go stop me to go Lagos! Which kain tin be dis na? I don pay my transport money for park, una no fit throw-way me for road…I no be witch!!!” I screamed in alarm.

I was tossed to the ground hurriedly and I weakly watched as the passengers of the bus scramble into the bus. I could barely stand, my clothes had been torn and I felt blood ooze from my left cheek. Unable to stand and too weak to struggle, I pass out…

Forward ever! Backward never!

“Ahhhhh….” I exclaim as I fall to my kneels in pleas and tears.

Lagos looks at me in disdain and shakes his head in pity.

“So you wan join dem kee me abi? Wetin I do you?” Lagos looks at me and asks.

“You don give me everything Oga Lagos, you buy me bra sef and I nor beg you for am…” I cry hard.

“Kai Senorita!!!” Lagos exclaims and walks towards the hut.

I panic and try to run but find out that I am stuck, my knees cannot move and I can’t even raise my legs, I am trapped again under his spell and I don’t know how to run away from him.

Suddenly I hear the loud blares of goats from inside the hut and my heart stops in fear, ‘did Lagos turn Taiwo and Kehinde to goats?’ I ask myself in panic. This was all too much, I want to go to Lagos, I miss the life there where there exists only people with sane minds, I almost say out loud.

Almost immediately, the two boys emerge from the hut and I breathe feely again and silently thank God that their lives were spared. Oga Lagos followed behind with two heavy whips in his hands, the two boys start crying loudly and every sound they make match animalistic noises. ‘Did Lagos change their voices?’ I ask myself as they saunter towards me.

“Taiwo! Kehinde! Una dey okay?” I ask.

“Maaaaahhhh….” Blurted Kehinde with tears in his eyes.

“Ahhh….Lagos, abeg no do dis to dem na…abeg free dem.” I beg.

The heat emanating from Lagos’s gaze terrifies me as he raised his hands with the whip and begin flogging the boys who dashes off still making animalistic noises. When he returns and stares me in the face, I cringe in fear and apprehension.

“Na wetin you wan make I do you now?” Lagos asks.

“Nothing.” I whisper.

“You think say I dey play? Wetin you want make I do you?” He screams again at me.

“Abeg send me go Lagos…” I wail, not able to take it anymore.

“Na Lagos you dey so.” He screams at me.

“You dey craze? Dis place be like Lagos?” I snap.

“You still get mouth to talk abi? You wan make I turn you to yam?” He asks.

I shake my head in fear, tears rolls down my cheeks and I feel slightly feverish. He looks at me in disdain and shakes his head the umpteenth time.

“You go sleep for outside today, for morning if my temper don cool, I go carry you go inside wia you go show me love.” Lagos says.

“I nor dey like ya mess mess…” I cry.

“Gerrout…which kain mess mess, make I even go drink my pile medicine.” Oga Lagos croaks.

I suddenly have reason to smirk as Oga Lagos walks over to the pot where I had just concluded my nasty business, and using the cup beside the pot, he scoops the potion and drinks it up. Wrinkling his nose disdainfully, he throws the cup hastily to the ground, farts loudly and complains about how everything suddenly tastes like shit and walks into his hut.

I remain on my knees and let the tears fall, ‘how did I get into this mess’ I ask myself, while I feel a drop of rain slam down on my nose, then softly it begins to fall. Something happened that changed my perception of the rain for good, I could miraculously move my legs. I almost screamed in delight, the rain dissolved whatever charm was used on me. I jump up from my position on the floor and dash off wildly into the bushes, a heavy thunder crackled and even though I could hardly see, I was determined to reach Lagos today. I had run quite far and the rain had trickled down to a mere drizzle when I heard voices quite familiar, quietly I tiptoe towards the sound of the voices and I was amazed at what I saw. There in the midst of a very scanty bush were two young men dancing in the rain and singing loudly at the top of their voices, to my utter chagrin, they were the same two boys who had just left Lagos’s hut barely two hours ago and surprisingly, they were not sounding like animals, ‘did the rain destroy the charm used on them too?’ I asked myself as I made a mental note to meet up with them and rejoice along as well. But something held me back, they suddenly started talking.

“Dat Lagos wife don see sha…” Laughed Kehinde.

“Na sooo…e be like say Oga Lagos don do dat im small magic wey e use catch Fredo last week.” Laughed Taiwo.

The two boys laughed in glee.

“Fredo be wan tiff Oga Lagos plantain, na so im hand hook for tree.”Laughed Kehinde.

“Dis him wife no get sense at all. Na so Oga Lagos tell us make we dey do like say im don turn us to goat and she come believe ooo… idiot!” Laughed the Taiwo.

“Which kain? Even Eledo no fit turn pesin to monkey talkless of Oga Lagos wey im medicine no dey work.” Said Kehinde.

I was speechless, these boys and Oga Lagos had played me for a fool.

“How we go share our money na?” Taiwo asked.

“Which money?” Kehinde asked.

“De money wey Oga Lagos give us…shebi him tell us say na im chop de rabbit wey our trap catch.” Taiwo said.

“Yes ooo and he come give us money for compensate, wey am?” Kehinde asked.

“You dey craze? No be you put am for pocket?”Taiwo echoed.

“You dey insult me? You born fool…” Said Kehinde.

The two boys began to fight, quickly I scanned the area in search of the trousers of the boys as they were half naked under the flicker of the rain. Spotting them less than a few feet beside me, I tiptoe and take them from the small shrub they had been tossed on, my search began as I rapidly pulled out the bundle of notes Oga Lagos had given the boys. As quickly as I came, I disappeared as I ran faster than my legs could carry me muttering under my breath. "Lagos forward ever, backward never."

From the blogger: 

*Just to say a very huge thank you for walking on this journey with Senorita and me, I can’t appreciate you guys enough and I pray that the new year 2014, will never find you wanting in Jesus name. God bless you all so much and much love…xoxo

My series will continue on the 13^th of January 2014, thank you for being there and Merry Christmas in advance.

Captivity Redefined!

It was three days already and I was stuck, deep down I knew I had to find a way out of my present predicament. Pushing off the smelling and snoring old loaf from my small frame wasn’t an easy feat as his weight was too much to bear. I look at him again in disdain and almost spit in disgust. ‘How could I have let such an ugly man touch my fine skin?’ I ask myself.

I drag the small wrap on the bed around my shoulders and step outside, the hut is very cool and almost chilled and the surrounding environs stink of faeces and urine. ‘The miserable loaf didn’t own a toilet, he did his business in the bushes’ I sigh to myself and proceed to the corner of his shrine to relieve myself of the yam and palm oil I had eaten late that night. Light penetrated from the full moon above and though it didn’t shine down on me, I look upon it as good luck as I wanted to be a bit mischievous. Sighting one of the huge pots at the corner where ‘Oga Lagos’ reportedly keeps his medicinal herbs which he claims helps in relieving the discomfort of the pile which ails him, I direct my buttocks to its center and empty my bowel, smiling in pleasure at the punishment he was going to get in the morning, when he decides to drink from the pot.

Since the day I stepped into ‘Lagos’ house, I have never stopped feeling as though I had been tricked or misled. ‘Lagos’ is a very cunning man and from the little ways he went about his daily business, it’s clear that he’s as slippery as an eel. I had just released yet another number into the huge pot when I hear whispers.

“He is there…I promise you…he is…” One voice said.

“Hmmm….I know this man, he is the slyest man ever and he might not even be in his house right now…” A second echoed.

“I have been watching his entrance all evening and I can assure you that he hasn’t stepped foot out of that out in three days. Since he got himself a new wife.” The first voice whispered.

“Ah! Iyawo number seventeen…this just makes me want to kill him...”

“But that’s what we are here for, to kill him ofcourse.” Said the first voice.

I gasped and covered my mouth with my palms in delight, ‘this is what I have been waiting for! Senorita is no Sagamu girl but a Lagos chick and nothing can stop that.’ I say to myself as I jump up from the pot and hurry to the direction of the voices. As soon as my footsteps echoe, the voices stop.

“Helloo…na me….I wan join una ooo.” I nearly shout.

“Ahhhh…omoge…u wan kee us? Why you dey shaout na?” The first voice whispered.

“You be fool? You know am before?” The second voice asked the first.

“Ofcourse…na Iyawo number seventeen be dis, in flesh and blood.” The first voice answered.

“Iyawo…wetin you hear?” The second voice asked.

“E be like say she get juju, u no hear her voice? E be like witch own.” Said the first.

“Abeg show ya face…I no get juju.” I plead.

The leaves rustle and from behind the shrubs emerge two young boys, not more than eighteen years of age. I shake my head in disappointment, obviously I wouldn’t be able to rely on the strength of teenage boys over that of a man above his fifties.

“Iyawo…na you be dis?” Said the voice I recognized as the first. “My name na Taiwo and this na my second, Kehinde.”

The second nodded in greeting and kept silent as he stared at me as though he has never seen my kind before.

“You fine sha…” Kehinde mouthed as he whistled rather loudly.

“Shh…you wan make Oga Lagos turn us to yam?” Taiwo shushed his brother. They both didn’t look alike so, I couldn’t tell the difference under the glow of the moonlight.

“Wetin una dey do for hia?” I ask.

“We wan kee dat useless man.” Taiwo replied.

“Wetin im do una.”

“Na de trap wey we set for bush since last week ooo…. We travel go Lagos, when we come back, we see say the meat wey de trap catch no dey deir.” Kehinde supplied.

My brain stood still immediately they mentioned Lagos, I decided to ask if they could take me there.

“Ahhh una don see Lagos wonder? Na Lagos chick I be ooo…Senorita…Senorita the Lagos Chick.” I say proudly and pirouette for them. The two boys look at me in confusion as though I had just blurted out rubbish.

“Wetin dis one dey talk?” Taiwo asked his brother.

“E be like say, Oga Lagos don give am something ooo…. She don high?” Kehinde echoed.

“No….I swear! Na Lagos Chick I be before I come dis place, I wan helep una…”

“You fit?” Taiwo asked.

“She no fit…abeg make we enter dia do our tin, comot!” Kehinde said.

“I fit do anything…shebi una wan kee am?” I ask.

“Kee wetin? We wan find our meat, na if we no see am…na den we fit kee am.” Taiwo said.

I shake my head in disbelief.

“Kee who? We no talk dat one ooo…I no wan destroy pesin! You no hia wetin God talk for Ten Commandments?” Kehinde said, holding his ears and pulling them till they hurt.

“Nor be una talk say una wan kee am?” I ask confused.

“Err…make we go find our meat first of all.” Taiwo says.

I nod in agreement but I’m not satisfied, Taiwo seems to be besotted by me but Kehinde seems to be engrossed in retrieving his useless meat from ‘Oga Lagos’

“Abeg no vex…we go help you…” Taiwo said to me as I bat my eyelashes and stare at him.

“Is he asleep?” Kehinde asked me, rapidly changing to good English.

“Yes.” I nod.

The two lanky boys walk towards the hut, I almost feel a sense of pride as I watch them walk ahead of me and disappeared into the hut I shared with ‘Oga Lagos’. I let out a sigh of relief which I just realized that I had been holding for a while.

“Wetin dem dey find for inside dia?” I hear a familiar voice behind me.

I turned around and stared in shock, it was ‘Lagos’ in flesh and blood, how he got there, I never knew! With eyes wide open and my mouth ready for a scream, I build up sounds in my throat but nothing comes out, not even any of my prepared quotes.

ALL ROADS LEAD TO LAGOS! PT 1

The forest was thick and dark, an owl hooted at the far side of the bushes as it gazed at me from the branch of the tree. My legs had begun to ache and my eyes teared up a little when I realized that I wasn’t close to Lagos at all, instead I had ended up walking further into the bushes. Stamping my foot on the ground like a spoilt child, I cry;

“No be direction I follow so? Why I dey enter inside bush na? Na wetin be dis one wey pesin don land herself so? Lagos! Lagos! If you kno say you no want Senorita, talk am now ooo! Lagos shebi you dey hia me so?” I shout, my hand tugging my left ear in a form of warning.

“Lagos want u….” A creepy voice said behind me.

I startled and turned to face the intruder, it was a man so short that I had to bend to look at him.

“Who be you?” I ask.

“Lagos.” He replied.

“You? Lagos?” Despite my present state, I laughed loud and hard.

“Wetin dey make you laugh? No be you dey call me?” The man called Lagos asked.

“Why I go dey call you?” I ask.

“I hear Lagos for ya mouth now now…” He replies.

“Na you be Lagos?” I ask getting annoyed.

The man looked at me for an instant and threw his head back in laughter. This singular action of his made me angrier as I hissed and started walking away.

“Wia you dey go?” He asked me.

“Lasgidi ofcourse!” I replied.

“Whish one be Lasgidi… no be Lagos u dey so.”

I hiss and continue walking away when I feel a magnetic pull fasten me to the ground, I struggle frantically and try hard to release myself but the more I get fastened.

“Wetin you dey do me so? Who be you? You don use charm catch me for hia abi?” I scream.

He walks up to me and stands right before me, smiling and smirking in delight.

“Run na….wia you be wan run go?”

“Release me…you be witch?” I shout.

“You no see sign board for road? D sign board talk; ‘LAGOS A PLACE OF NO RETURN’ abi you no dey see road?”

“Na lie…I no see lagos a place of no return…wetin I see be ‘This way to Lagos.’” I retort.

“Heeheehaa…you don reach de Lagos wia you dey find, why you dey shout now?”

“Lagos na place wia pesin dey live.” I spit at him and look at  bush irritatingly. “This no be Lagos”

“Omoge…dis place na Lagos and my name be Lagos. You dey call my name wen you enter dis place and you go live hia with me. Shebi you grab?”

“Ahh lai lai…I no fit live for dis bush! A whole Senorita wey dey ready to paint Lagos to sure levels…I no fit live hia.”

“See ya mouth…chai…I get luck sha…see fine girl wey enter my dormot so.” The man said smacking his lips and wagging his tongue.

“Kai…no touch me! No use dat ya hand touch my fine body…” I warn.

“If I touch am nko? Wetin you go do?”

“Touch am na…touch am…if my mama and her witch people no go kee you for hia.”

“Hehehe omoge…abeg I wan see ya mama…I fit even take opportunity ask am make I marry you.”

He reaches out and touches my hand and I cringe, then his beefy palms caress my face. ‘This is not what I want for myself’, I scream inwardly, ‘what have I got myself into?’

“Mama! Make you come save ya pikin now ooo.” I scream loudly, knowing fully well that my mother is no witch and I was just trying to fool him.”

The man’s eyes lit up and he starts dancing around in circles, singing loudly and chanting in a tongue too difficult to understand.

“Mama! Mama!” I screamed and coughed.

“Dis one wey me and witch go fight today…abi you don see babalawo and witch wen dem dey fight? Na me go kee ya mama.” The man said laughing in glee.

I had to stop deceiving myself, my mother would be at the village either sleeping or warming her legs by the fire, the poor woman had never seen witchcraft before and was always terrified of hearing witchcraft tales.

“Oga abeg release me…make I go…na dokitor I find come abeg.” I plead.

“You no call ya mama again?”

“No…e be like say she don sleep.”

“Ahh…witch dey sleep again?

“No…I mean…dem dey sleep. She fit don fly tire for aftanun. Abeg oga make I go….na doki I find come.”

“Me sef I be doki” The man said.

“No be dat kind…I dey talk about dockitor…dat one wey dey hospital for Lagos.”

“Close ya mouth…e no get dockitor wey big pass me.” He said.

I feel like dying because for the first time in the last hour, I know that I am trapped and can do nothing about it. I had been smart all along until now, I had outsmarted the 419 gang who had initially created a façade with the modeling agency, I had escaped from my madam’s house, the prison, psychiatric facility, the booth of the driver’s car but now, in the space of one hour, I have managed to be trapped by one man who’s head hardly measured above my knees.

“Oga abeg make I go…dis no be Lagos na…oga abeg.”

“You go go.” The man replied.

“Thiank you sir.” I answer gratefully still trying to release myself from the invisible grip holding me down to the ground.

“But you go do something for me…” The man supplied.

“Anything sir…”

“You go born pikin for me after you don born finish, I go release you.”

My eyes widen in shock and turning my gaze to face the sky, I shout.

“Baba wey dey up…I don enter kurukere waka and na only you fit hia me…abeg come down!”

'GBEGE' TROUBLE!

I stood at the reception looking hastily at the time and wondering why I hadn’t seen him yet. Atleast to say goodbye. Doctor has been so good to me and after the dream I had of him, I longed for him more and more. I tapped my foot impatiently and was startled by a voice behind me, turning sharply I stare at the person who addressed me.

“Aren’t you going home? Or do you want to live here?” The nurse asked.

“I dey sorry ma…na my dockitor I dey wait for so.”

“What doctor?” The nurse asks.

“Dr. Gerald…” I reply.

“Why are you waiting for him? You have been cleared so, go home.”

“I must to see am before I comot.” I say stubbornly.

“And why is that? do you have an appointment?”

“I no need aplointimen to see my dockitor.”

“Your doctor? What’s that supposed to mean? Dr, Gerald has no personal patients.”

“Na me be him persina pantient.” I reply.

“Go home and stop crowding the waiting area.”

“You no fit tell me wetin I go do, na my dockitor I dey wait so and if you don talk finish, abeg carry yansh pass dat door.”

“Do you have a crush on him?” The nurse asks in surprise.

“I never crush am before.” I reply.

“Do you like him?”

“I wan marry am.” I reply boldly.

The nurse stares at me in disbelief and laughs out loud, I ignore her and fold my hands still waiting patiently.

“Wait a minute…are you not the one that woke up everyone from their sleep with your dream some weeks back? Wait…I can’t believe it….do you mean the doki you were calling in your sleep is Dr. Gerald? Oh my God…wonders shall never cease.”

“Madam nurse…I never give you word ooo, why you dey laugh for me na?” I ask, building up in anger.

The nurse continues laughing till tears fall down her cheeks.

“Abeg ooo…you patients will not kill me. You have been discharged for hours yet you sit and wait for a man that will never be yours.”

“Who talk am? Na you be God? You know wetin God don plan for pesin so?”

“My dear…take my advice, drop those fantasies of yours. Dr. Gerald has all the nurses on this block moaning after him…all of them are clean girls ooo with taste, education, class and quality, not people like you and yet, he doesn’t look our way.”

“Na una problem na…una no fine like me.”

The nurse grips her stomach and laughs loud, tears spill from her cheeks and fall to the ground, another nurse rushes to meet us.

“Can I join in? It’s obvious you’re having fun.” The nurse says.

“Nurse Lilian…” The nurse who I had been speaking with, spoke with laughter in her voice. “This girl won’t kill me, she is in love with Dr. Gerald.”

“What???” Nurse Lilian exclaimed and joined her fellow nurse in laughter.

“My dear, some people just don’t get it. Look at the rag of a girl who wants the Doctor for herself. Someone who, all of us put together never hooked. Can you imagine?”

“Hasn’t she been discharged? Isn’t it time she left the facility?” Nurse Lilan asked.

“Yes ooo, but she’s waiting for the love of her life.” The Nurse replied laughing.

They burst out laughing. I stood there, feigning nonchalance at their words when deep down it was eating me alive. What did they mean by all what they said? Wasn’t I beautiful enough? I turned to stare at the laughing nurses again and somehow, reality dawned on me, they were clean looking ladies, had lovely accents and they had many things I didn’t. The first nurse mentioned education, was it a criterion? Do I need an education to have doctor Gerald all to myself? What of taste? Am I to be tasted too? I really didn’t understand.

“Nurse Lilan let’s get back to work and leave the girl to her dreams, look at someone with no scruples, no taste or class…hmmm wonders shall never cease.”

The nurses left me at the entrance, laughing and snickering. I wasn’t about to give up, I didn’t come to Lagos to get intimidated. Minutes after they left, Dr.Gerald walks into the waiting area. I see him and run to him with joy written on my face.

“Dockitor.” I say.

“Hello Senorita, what a pleasant surprise!”

I smile sheepishly and bat my eyelashes.

“I heard you have been discharged, congratulations.” The doctor said.

I smile again and looked at him with sultry eyes. Dr.Gerald seemed confused, he stares at me again, smiles and says;

“Okay dear, I have to get to work.”

I stand rooted to the spot ‘what was I to say?’ My mouth couldn’t form the words but my heart could and as the nurses had said, ‘nothing moves this man’ I might as well as find my way out of this place. The doctor turns to walk away but was halted by Musa one of the messengers.

“Oga make I carry ya car go wash…” Musa offered.

“Oh…yes, thank you. Here are the keys, please make sure the tires are washed with plenty of water, the roads were too bad today.”

“Yes sir.” The driver said and dashes off.

The doctor waves at me and walk into the facility in easy strides, my legs remained glued to the ground. My mind told me to chase him but my feet didn’t budge. Quietly I walk out of the facility but stopped short when I saw Musa preparing to wash one of the cars. I knew it was his car because he had just given Musa the keys a few moments ago. Musa hastily ran with an empty bucket to the tap which stood some miles away. I walk to the car, touching the smooth panes of the powerful vehicle, I had just glided my palms to the back of the car when I realized that booth was open. Realization surged through me and I acted fast, hurriedly I pushed open the booth of the car and climbed into it, pulling the lid down though not slamming it shut but leaving enough air to enable me breathe.

Musa comes back moments later with the bucket of water and instead of washing the car, he cleans it. I hold my breath and pray that he doesn’t open the booth to find me lying in there. Ten minutes later he was done. It was as though my prayers weren’t going to be answered as Musa started opening the doors wide and banging them shut as though he was playing a game, his footsteps neared the booth area and I held my breath but a nurse shouts his name.

“Ma!” He answers and scrambles away, not after he had slammed the booth of the car shut, leaving me in complete darkness and with little air to survive.

“Shio…” I whisper into the darkness.

I think I fell asleep because I woke up when the engine purred to life, smiling inwardly, I felt the car pull away from its parked space and glide away. We really didn’t encounter traffic on the way and I was happy to be with my doctor atlast. The ride took too long and I knew that it was nearing evening. Even though I never knew the exact time we left, I knew we would have left at some hours after noon. ‘Why was the doctor driving too fast?’ I asked myself as my head spun in dizziness. My stomach growled and rumbled and I threw up in the booth of the car, promising myself that I’d wash it as soon as we get to his place. I feel sick and doze off again, waking up hours later when the car slowed down to a stop. I hear voices and smile as I try to stretch my already limp muscles in the booth.

Suddenly, cold air hits my face as the booth opens and the man who opens the booth shouts in shock.

“Who be dis? Wetin you dey do for hia?” The man asks.

I study the man before me who bore no resemblance to my doctor and speak weakly,

“Na dockitor I follow come.” I reply.

“Which dockitor…chei…dis gial wan land me for trouble. Na wia you for see my moto? Abi you be witch?” The man asks in fear.

“Nooo I no be witch oga, na wen Musa dey wash dockitor moto, me come use opportunity, enter am.”

“Dockitor? Abegi…no land me for wahala…comot for this moto kia kia.”

I come out from the car and stare into the darkness of the night.

“Na dockitor I dey find so.” I say.

“Gerrout of hia…dis no be any dokitor place. Na my madam mama I go carry from Lagos ooo, she been dey facility for two years, dis na de first time she dey return. Dem wan start party for inside and if dem know say you enter booth follow me reach house ehn…my own don finish.” The man exclaims.

“Wait ooo…which wan be say, you carry ya madam mama come from Lagos? No be Lagos be dis?” I ask.

“Which kain? Na Sagamu we dey so.” The man says.

“Oga talk true…na wia we dey again?” I repeat my question.

“You don deaf? I say na Sagamu we dey…”

“Senorita oooo….yeeeeeehhh!” I scream.

“Shurrup….oya comot for hia.” The man orders, pushing me away from the car.

“Wetin I do myself now…Lagos wey I struggle come so. For seven years I save money come Lagos, na so e no even reach one day, pesin carry me comot for promise land.” I cry, stamping my foot on the ground.

“Abeg…go outside. No be for hia you go regret ya waka. I no want make my madam see you.”

The man pushed me out to the gate, shoving me outside and into nowhere. I stood there, scared, tired and hungry, all because of my love for Dr. Gerald. I knew I had been stupid, Musa had a lot of cars to wash and I entered the wrong one ‘how was I going to get back to Lagos?’ I asked myself.

The night was cold and unwelcoming, I looked up to see a signboard which read: ‘This way to Lagos’ and a surge of pure hope filled my heart, little did I know that not all places called Lagos were really Lagos. Sighing in resignation, I prepared my mind mentally for the walk back to the city of Gold, murmuring under my breath;

“Lagos na me get am…I no fit to leave am lie lie.”